Thursday, August 30, 2007

JM & H Productions presents...

JAN MICHAEL
VS.
MANDIBLES OF DEATH

The epic tale, re-told by Jan Michael:

I was on my way to the kitchen for a bowl of lentils when he appeared out of nowhere. He paid no heed as I put my foot down to stop him from scuttling behind the desk. It was time for step two of Operation Stop the Spider, which entailed waving my arms wildly about in a frightening manner, much like a bird of prey taking flight, and yelling at the top of my lungs. Much to my disbelief, this didn't faze him either.

Before he got too close to my foot (60 inches), I fell back to a more defensible position. By then he had stopped going for the desk; instead, alerted by soft pink flesh, he headed for me.

Stumbling back, I reached into the laundry room with the horrible thought that there might be more of his minions waiting for me. My hand came to rest on my excalibur - four feet of solid plastic, capped with an army of deadly yellow bristles.

I felt the power,thoughts of Castle Greyskull sweeping through my mind. As the spider raced for my exposed flank, my swift pole-arm of justice raised up overhead, as if by its own power, willing me to slay this fiercesome beast.

Realizing too late that death was imminent, the spider tried desperately to sink it's fangs into my slippered foot. But it was not to be, as the whoosing deadly bristles finished him off. Exhausted yet elated, I slumped into my desk chair, secure in the thought that for now, I was safe and the Pearson way of life was preserved.



5 comments:

Hilary said...

That spider is one of the most hideous things I've ever seen. PUKE.

Jan Michael said...

I left out the part where I heard trumpeting from the heavens and a light shone down on me as the spider breathed its last foul breath.

derek said...

hahahahha

This was surely an epic tale and a worthy blog

amy said...

Oh my gosh - that is so disgusting and I shuddered looking at that...humongous spider! So gross! eeeeeeewwwww!

jen martin said...

Oh. My. Goodness.

However, I know how you feel. I had to do that same thing with a mouse just last week. Yeah. That spider doesn't seem so bad anymore.